I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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