Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
