in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
