Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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