Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
