I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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