My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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