Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
