my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
