Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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