I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
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I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
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Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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