oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
