Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
