My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
