Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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