Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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