I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i think my cat just said my name.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
