If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
