he wants to bone in the snuggie
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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