that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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