you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
