you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
