Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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