Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
