Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
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Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
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But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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