he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
