i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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