You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
