your parents love me but you hate me
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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