Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
