If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i will never coherently bang her
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
