i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
