If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
