There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just invented taco cereal.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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