she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
