He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
