as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
