So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
