Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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