I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
