my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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