I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
