Im at strip club and am horny
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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