U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
