I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
