Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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