I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
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the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
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I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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