Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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