Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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