final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
