i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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