Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
