I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
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