some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
