My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
