i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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