Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
