I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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